Brotherly Love (This Best Man's Speech)

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and thanks for sticking with the speeches so far, instead of running off to the bar, sneaking out for a fag or finding absolutely anything else you’d rather be doing… believe me, if I’d have thought just a little bit quicker when Chris asked me to be his best man, I could be where you are right now; sitting comfortably, relaxing after a free meal, getting slightly tipsy, and not having to worry about standing up here, trying to be funny, clever AND sincere, without offending or upsetting anyone. Except the groom, of course…

I’d like to thank Chris for his kind remarks about the bridesmaids, who of course look perfectly lovely, and have managed to pull off that most difficult of jobs, of looking and behaving immaculately, whilst not outshining the bride.

Talking of the bride, I hope you’ll all agree that Melissa looks absolutely beautiful today, in a fabulous dress which she makes look totally stunning. I’m sure David and Jenny are rightly proud of their amazing daughter, and are only slightly disappointed in her taste in men.

I'm extremely fond of Mel, and we're all delighted to have her in the family. In fact, when Chris told us they were getting married, there was only one thought that ran through all of our minds... 'Now there's a girl who knows how to settle."

They do say that you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince, and whilst I’m sure there aren’t THAT many frogs in Mel’s past (ahem), it should be no surprise that Mel’s Prince turned out to look a bit like Kermit…

Anyway, talking of muppets, I suppose I should really start telling you a bit more about Christopher, how and why he ended up picking me to stand next to him today, and how much of an honour that really is.

For those of you that don’t know me, or think you recognise me from Top Gear, I’m Paul, Chris’s slightly older, considerably taller, much better-looking brother. Because of the way modern families come together these days, Chris entered my life when he was 6 and I was 20, when dad and Carol started ‘stepping out’, as I believe they called it back then.

My earliest memories of him are of an angelic little boy, well-mannered, impeccably well behaved, a real pleasure to be around – what a difference 30 years makes! I’m reliably informed that he no longer wears his Ninja Turtle pyjamas to bed (thanks for that intel, Mel); no word yet on who stole his Bumble Lion from the Wuzzles, although Crocosaur is helping with enquiries.

Anyone who knows Chris understands that he’s passionate about very few things in life, his new wife and his kids excepted, of course; but sport, and particularly football, has been his seductive mistress all these years. As a supporter who controversially crossed the aisle from Villain to Bluenose (otherwise known as the frying pan/fire manoeuvre), and as a player at varying levels of ability, making lifelong friends such as Messers Billings, Gray & Cookson, he is still, after all these years, convinced that he could have turned professional… his performances most Sunday mornings notwithstanding.

In recent years he has discovered a real man’s sport, played with funny shaped balls, although he found out pretty quickly that Rugby wasn’t just about hanging around near the penalty area and falling over every now and again. His brief career over before it began (rugby’s loss, of course), we enjoy making occasional pilgrimages to Twickenham together to watch England beat whoever fancies their chances (except the Irish, unfortunately).

He was there for me when I realised my life wasn’t on the right track, and helped me to find the happiness I’m lucky enough to enjoy today. He has already shown what a great father he is to Teigan, Ethan and Harper, and I have no doubt that he will be a great husband to Melissa. He has a big heart, that he does a good job of hiding most of the time, which Mel has discovered and unlocked, bringing them both obvious happiness, a happiness that we, their family and friends can plainly see.

Not many people are lucky enough to have a brother who's kind, honourable, ambitious, charismatic, generous, reliable, trustworthy, funny, supportive, wise and, yes, devilishly handsome. Of course, Chris is…

At the end of the day, I think you can tell a lot about a man when he chooses his brother to be his best man...the level of trust between us, the respect and love that we share for each other…this has been an honour and a privilege, and I thank you for it.

Looking for inspiration for how to wrap up this speech, I asked dad what kind of toast I should give, and he suggested, ever the joker, “French!” “Merci Papa, c’est une grande aide. Comme si tout le monde comprend le Français...

Before I offer a toast to Chris and Mel, I’d like to leave you with one final thought: you don’t marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can’t live without.

Ladies & gentlemen, please raise your glasses and join me in congratulating the bride & groom!